


Cascade

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, M/M, Romance, Series, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-30
Updated: 2002-10-30
Packaged: 2018-11-10 21:17:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11134869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: 2nd in the Ripple Trilogy, The truth is revealed, the search begins.





	Cascade

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

  
Cascade

## Cascade

by Eugenie Chua

Author's website: http://www.tomparisdorm.com/genie/place.html

Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, not making money, you'd have to catch me first to sue.

Author's Notes: Story 2 in the Ripple Trilogy. If you haven't read Undercurrent I suggest that you do cos this won't make any sense at all if you haven't read that first. Big thanks for Mags for the alpha read and Sun for the beta read! All other mistakes are mine and mine alone. You can't have'em!! They're mine! :P   


Story Notes: Warnings: Major AU. Ok, this is mainly.eventually F/K, but this part contains F/V stuff, and I mean F/V smut. No, I didn't write that bit, M wrote it. My original plan was fade to black, but her muse decided that F/V smut was more fun, so there you go.   
Spoilers for Heaven and Earth. I think that's about it.   


This story is a sequel to: Undercurrent 

* * *

Sept 02 

* * *

Cascade  
by Eugenie Chua

Ray Vecchio's homecoming had been perfect as far as he was concerned. Family, friends, co-workers surrounded him, all congratulating him on a job well done. Life would've been perfect for him at that moment if he hadn't noticed that his partner was distracted. 

"Hey Benny, what's wrong?" 

"Ray, I mean the other Ray, he's not here." 

"Maybe they didn't want to have the 2 of us being seen together in the same room so soon after the gig," Ray offered. 

"Maybe." 

Fraser seemed satisfied with his answer for the moment, but Ray couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. 

* * *

As the weeks passed, Ray had expected to hear stories from Fraser about Kowalski, but none was forthcoming. In fact, every time Ray even brought up the name Kowalski, Fraser would get really quiet, and when he asked the Mountie what was wrong, Fraser would pretend that everything was all right. On top of that, he seemed distant most of the time, as though his mind was elsewhere. 

However, things seemed to have gotten back the way they used to be and Ray figured he was just being paranoid. That is until two months later. 

Ma Vecchio had gotten a letter from her sister in Florida, wanting them to visit, so naturally, the entire Vecchio clan, minus Ray, went along. With the entire house to himself, Ray had invited Fraser to spend the night. 

They were in Ray's room, talking, when Fraser suddenly became quiet when Ray commented on something Dewey had said about Kowalski earlier at work. 

"Benny? What is it? What's wrong?" Ray Vecchio asked as he eyed his lover whose hands were fiddling with the edge of his Stetson. This wasn't like Fraser. Normally he couldn't even get the man to shut up, it wasn't like him to go suddenly quiet. Especially not about someone he knew and had worked closely with for more than half a year. The only time Ray had seen him in a similar situation was after the whole Victoria incident where the mere mention of the name would... 

Mention of names... Kowalski... The pieces suddenly fell into place in Ray's mind. When he saw the final picture it formed, a pain that was almost physical surge through his body at light speed and settled over his heart. 

"Benny," Ray was surprised how normal he sounded despite the internal turmoil he was feeling. "Benny, look at me." 

No reaction except for the continuous fiddling of his Stetson. 

"Look at me," Ray said in a gentle but insistent tone. 

The Canadian finally did what he was told. Ray looked into the other man's eyes, seeing the look that he saw almost everyday for weeks after he had put Benny in hospital by accidentally shooting him. The look that said more than words ever could. Pain... love... regrets... Only difference this time was the intensity. This time it was so much stronger, so much stronger that Ray doubt he could banish it like he did last time. He doubt anyone could, anyone except Kowalski... 

That knowledge sent another stab of pain through his entire being. What he could once do he no longer could, what was once his, theirs, was no longer... And it hurt... 

The pain he felt must have shown because Benny was apologizing to him. "I'm sorry Ray. I'm so sorry." It wasn't more than a whisper but Ray could hear the guilt in his voice, could see the guilt in his eyes. 

"It's ok Benny," _It's_ not _ok_ , his mind screamed, but he ignored that voice. "My fault. I shouldn't have left when I did," _You got_ that _right, idiot_. "My fault." 

"No, Ray, it was..." 

Ray didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to hear Fraser blaming himself for a mistake that was his and his alone. Didn't want Fraser hurting more than he already was. So he shut the Mountie up the only way he could. With a gentle kiss that he knew would be one of their last. 

"Benny, promise me something," he said as they parted. 

"Anything, Ray. Anything." And Ray didn't doubt those words. 

"Promise me that you won't blame yourself," 

"Ray..." 

"And that you'll never forget me. That's all I'm asking for, Benny. That's all I'm asking for. Promise me." 

"I'll never forget you Ray, how could I?" Fraser said as he raised his right hand to caress Ray's cheek. 

"What about the first request?" 

"I..." 

"Benny... please." Ray pleaded. 

"I...I promise." 

Ray sealed that promise with another kiss. He knew that it was unwise, that it was desperate, that it was just prolonging the pain, but he couldn't seem to stop touching the Mountie. He didn't want to. 

He closed his eyes and rubbed his cheek against Fraser's hand, trying to hold the moment in his head, like a sensory snapshot. Fraser's scent, his pressure of his fingers. Every touch felt like the last, precious. He felt a tear leak from under his eyelash, and Fraser's thumb came up to wipe it away, letting the Stetson fell to the floor. 

When Fraser placed a hand against his chest, it felt good, and when the Mountie started to move his hand in slow circles, it felt even better. The knot in Ray's chest that had been threatening to turn into more tears was soothed away by that gentle stroking. 

"Benny." 

"I know Ray, I know." There was moist heat against his ear. "Don't open your eyes." 

Burning hot tongue at his collarbone, below his ear. Ray gasped, and his regret redoubled. Fraser knew his body so well. No matter how many times they did this, he was always surprised by how quickly Fraser could arouse him, with just a few, precise touches. 

Fraser's hand left his cheek and joined the other at his chest. His shirt was undone in moments. 

Warm fingers cupped him through his pants. Ray allowed Fraser to stroke him, but didn't thrust against those gentle hands. He felt no inclination to rush. He wanted to savor every sensation. Fraser slid the zip down, and spread his unbuttoned shirt. His pants were pushed to his ankles. 

Fraser's strong fingers kneaded his thighs, and his tongue dipped into his navel, teeth scraped the sensitive flesh below, and then slicked over the head of his cock hard and hot and too fast. 

Ray whimpered, and was almost surprised by the sound. They had both been silent since Fraser's initial instruction. 

He heard Fraser gasp faintly, then that smooth wet heat was surrounding him all the way, all over. And oh god, it was good. It was like being safe. It was like coming home after a long day. It was just like being loved. Only it wasn't. Ray squeezed his closed eyes, forcing back the sudden sting of tears. He bucked into that cradling heat desperately, trying to reclaim what they had once had, and clinging on to what was remaining. 

Too fast. Ray bit his tongue, focusing on the pain to make it last just a few more seconds, and a few seconds more after that, but it was over all too quickly. 

Fraser's mouth was replaced with uncomfortably cool air, then, a minute later, by a warm, damp cloth, and eventually by Fraser's efficient fingers, tucking him back into his trousers. 

When Ray finally opened his eyes, Fraser had his own pants and undershirt on, and was buttoning his tunic. 

"Promise me." 

"I promise Ray." 

"I love you, Benny. Forever." Ray whispered to the empty bedroom after Fraser left. 

* * *

On the other side of the door, Fraser stood, Stetson once again in his hands. 

"I'm sorry Ray. And I love you too, always will." 

Slowly, he walked down the stairs with lingering regret. 

* * *

_How did it happen?!_ His mind screamed. _Why was Benny leaving him, left him. Whatever. How could he?! He loved him!! How??_ But as his mind whirled in confusion and pain, he knew the answer: He was the one who had left, not Benny. 

He had left at a crucial point in their relationship, where things could've gone either way. Fraser had thought that some time away from each other would be good for them, and they could get their heads cleared and get things settled between them when the Mountie return from his much needed vacation. And he had left before Benny could come back, leaving things between them hanging. 

Did he expect Benny to wait for him? Maybe he did, he wasn't sure. It didn't matter, it was still his fault. If he hadn't left, they would've worked things out between them. If he hadn't left, Kowalski wouldn't have been asked to replace him, and Benny wouldn't have gotten to know him. If he hadn't left, Benny wouldn't have been alone and he wouldn't have fallen for Kowalski. 

If, if and more if's. 

He wanted to hate Kowalski for taking Benny away from him, the only person he ever really _loved_ besides Irene. He wanted to hate the other man for all the pain he was going through now, but somehow, he just couldn't. Because in the end, he knew, _he knew_ it was his fault. He was the one to blame, not Benny, not Kowalski. He shouldn't have left. 

Shouldn't have... 

If's and shouldn't have's. 

Hearing the door shut downstairs, knowing that Fraser was gone, Ray buried his face in the pillow that still carried the fait scent of Fraser and, silently, he screamed. 

* * *

After two weeks of trying to track down Ray Kowalski without any result, Fraser was getting frustrated. The apartment where Ray used to live was empty. The landlady was kind enough to tell the Constable that Ray had arranged to have most of his possessions put into storage a few weeks ago, and that was the last she had heard from the blonde detective. Fraser had thanked her for the information and proceeded to look for Ray at some of the places he was known to frequent. But it seemed as though Ray had simply vanished into thin air. 

Sitting on the steps of the consulate, one hand absent mindedly stroking Diefenbaker's fur, Fraser looked up at the sky. Anyone passing by would have assumed he was taking the opportunity to admire the stars. After all, it was rare that the smog from the city would have cleared up enough for anyone to be able to see the constellations. Taking a deep breath, Fraser started talking as though his intended audience was there. 

"Where are you Ray? I guess I can understand why you need to get away, after all that I've... God I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so stupid! For being so blind! You can't help what you were feeling, and neither can I." The Mountie let out a sigh. "I just wish... I miss you Ray. 

* * *

It had been three month since the former detective had moved to Los Angeles, away from Chicago, the city he had grown up in. For a short while, Ray had been able to convince himself that he just needed the change to clear his mind, but he had decided to stop lying to himself; he was running. Running away from his previous life that was left in tatters. 

With his service record, Ray had easily found a job as a private investigator at one of the many local P.I. firms in town. The work he had done so far weren't as challenging as what he was used to, but since it paid the rent, he wasn't about to complain. 

Switching off the television that he wasn't watching, Ray went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge before stepping out to the balcony of his studio apartment. 

He took a swing from the bottle, not really tasting the brew. To any casual observer, they would assume he was admiring the night view of the city. However, Ray's eyes were turned internally. 

How did he end up here in L.A.? 

_You packed up your apartment, got in the car, and drove._ Ray answered his own question. _But that's not it isn't it? It started out with that day in front of the consulate..._ Ray refused continue that train of thought. Instead, he let out a big sigh and started talking as though the subject of his thoughts was there with him. 

"I'm in L.A. Fraser, can you believe it? Don't blame yourself for me being gone, I just needed some space. Don't need to apologize either. If anyone was to blame, it was me. Me and my big mouth. Shouldn't have said anything. Heck! I shouldn't have fallen for you, period." The former detective let out a sigh. "Damn it, I miss you Frase." 

* * *

"Ray, you don't have to do this," Fraser said, getting out of the car, Diefenbaker on his heels. 

"That's where you're wrong, Benny. I have to do this. I hate to see you miserable, so, if finding this Kowalski guy would make you happy, that's what I'm gonna do," Ray replied, a determined look on his face. 

Fraser was surprised at Ray's reply. He knew Ray was a good man, but he had never expected Ray to help him look for Ray Kowalski, especially after their break up. Looking at the detective, Fraser felt guilty for the things he had put him through. Maybe he should... 

"Benny, don't do that." 

"What?" 

"You're feeling guilty again aren't you? Well, don't!" 

"Why not? After all I've..." 

"Stop it Benny, just stop it!" Ray interrupted Fraser, stopping the other man in his tracks just before they reach the door, "This isn't about what you've done." 

"It's not?" Fraser blinked in confusion. 

"No, well, maybe a little, but not as much as you think. This is about what I have to do. I want to find Kowalski, I wanna see what he has that I don't, I wanna see why you would choose him over me, and the fact that finding him would make you happy, well, that's just a bonus. So, stop feeling guilty about everything, ok?" 

"Ok." 

"Good." 

And like countless times before, the pair stepped into the squad room together. 

* * *

"He didn't take the transfer, Constable." Welsh informed them calmly. 

"He didn't?" Fraser was obviously puzzled. 

"Then where the hell did he go if he didn't take the transfer?" Vecchio asked, getting more than a little annoyed with his superior. 

"I have no idea where he is," Welsh answered truthfully. 

"Is he on vacation?" Fraser asked. 

"Not that I'm aware of." 

"Hang on a second. If he's not around, not on vacation and you don't know where he is, does that mean he's gone AWOL?" Vecchio concluded. 

"Not exactly." 

" _Not exactly_?! What do you mean by that?!" 

"It means, Detective, that he quit." 

"He _what_?!" 

"He quit. Came in the day before you came back, dumped his badge and gun on my table along with a letter of resignation and left, without a word. Haven't seen him since. Believe me, I want to know where he is too, but I really haven't the faintest idea. Now, is there anything else?" 

Fraser had become unusually quiet as he listened to Welsh. 

"Uh...no sir. Thank you." Vecchio replied, shocked by the news. 

"You're welcome. And Constable," Welsh called out, halting the two men. "If you find him, let me know." 

"Yes, sir." 

* * *

"Benny? Are you ok?" Vecchio asked as soon as they got back to his desk. 

"What? Oh, yes, I'm fine Ray." 

But Fraser didn't look fine. 

"You sure?" 

"Yes Ray, I'm fine." Fraser tried to give Ray a smile to reassure the other man, but it only worried Ray even more. 

* * *

The street late at night was empty of any living beings as Heaven cried its sorrows to Mother Earth. Empty except for one lone silhouette accompanying the lost Angels as they wept, for he, too, was lost. 

Songs, they've always portrayed love as a joyful bliss, as a beautiful oblivion where all was right with the world. Well, wake up and smell the flowers guys, you got it all wrong. Love is a bitch and it's...painful. Yes, that's what love is, painful. It was painful then, and it is painful now. 

_Irene..._ The name flashed across his thoughts. That was then, and Fraser was there then. _Fraser...Benny..._ This is now, and now is worse because there was no one here now. There was Benny then, but there is no one now. Not a single soul... 

"Benny..." Ray Vecchio whispered the name into the night, shivering as though feeling the cold rain that had drenched him for the first time. "God, I miss you Benny. I miss you so much." 

And he wept with the Angels. 

* * *

In the City of Angels, the lost Angels gazed upon a second lone figure who bore the same name as the first. In another lifetime, they were one and the same. 

Ray Kowalski shivered and hugged himself as he felt the night breeze blow past him into the living room when he opened the sliding doors to the balcony. It was one of those nights again where the silence of his room and the deafening thoughts in his mind were too much for him to bear. One of those nights where he just could not stand the silence and loneliness any longer. 

He knew what triggered this episode. It was Valentine's Day today. No, make that yesterday since it was nearly four in the morning. Almost everywhere he turned, there were couples walking hand in hand, kissing, exchanging gifts and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. Everywhere he turned, everyone was with someone. Everyone except him, everywhere except his apartment... 

Ray looked down to the streets below, letting the never-ending voice of the city wash over him. Sometimes, the city sounds made him feel like he wasn't really alone, that there were other people out there, but today wasn't sometimes. Today, it just made him feel worse, insignificant like a tiny grain of sand in a whole beach that's full of them, that no body would miss if removed. Everyone had someone to miss them if they were gone, but not him. There's no one in his life. Used to have Stella, but she left. Then came Fraser, but he turned into the past too. 

Fraser. 

Seven months and he still couldn't seem to stop thinking about the damned Mountie who probably had totally forgotten that he existed. 

Fraser. 

Damn! It was as though everything he thought of lately was somehow related to the Mountie. Eventually, everything ended up linked to him and he meant _everything._

"Stop!" he commanded himself. "Just stop!" Yet that seemed to be the thing he couldn't do. "I miss ya Frase. God I miss ya..." He admitted in defeat. 

Looking up at the starless sky, he sent a silent cry for help. He couldn't live like this for long. Without meaning, without purpose, without anyone. This wasn't life, it was torture. The world's filled with billions of people but some how, the guy upstairs decided that was to end up alone among those billions. 

"Whaddaya want from me?" he asked silently. As usual, there was no answer. 

Letting out a defeated sigh, Ray looked down to the streets again. Even at the wee hours of the morning, there were still activities down there. Friends getting drunk together and thrown out of the bar, lovers spending the night celebrating in the motel room. 

Tall building. Solid ground below. It'll be so easy, almost too easy. To end it all; no more memories, no more regrets, no more loneliness, no more Fraser... 

"Fraser." A simple word, two syllables, yet it managed to contain an abundance of emotions: Love; hate, happiness; sadness, fulfillment; emptiness... It seemed impossible to be feeling all of it at the same time, but to those who cared to listen, all of them were pretty apparent. 

So easy... 

"Your parents, Yank. Think about your parents." Another figure on the balcony, unseen by the billions on the planet, whispered silently into Ray's ears. A Guardian Angel perhaps? 

_Can't. Mom... can't leave her like this._ Ray suddenly thought and took a step backwards. 

"Good. Don't do anything stupid that you'd regret later." The same unseen figure said, his words unheard. "Benton can be the most stubborn person on the planet once he gets his head onto something, and I'm really sorry that you're going through this because of him. 

"I tried talking him out of it, oh Lord I've tried. But he never listens to me, not until it's too late. Like that time with that woman. What was her name? Vicky? Victoria? Yes, Victoria. I warned him about her, but would he listen? Nooo... he'd had to get shot to come back to his senses. Never listens to me. But I was wrong about something this time, mind you, I'm not wrong often, but this time, I was wrong. Benton isn't the only one who has to live with his decision. You and the other Yank have to too." 

* * *

It had been three years since he had left home and had his life turned upside down and inside out, but now that he was back, it no longer felt like home. Fraser had spent the last three months of his unpaid leave rebuilding his father's cabin, using the undamaged shed/storage/workshop behind the cabin as shelter until the main cabin was livable again. 

The Mountie had spent months trying to track down Ray Kowalski, but even with the help of Ray Vecchio, the former detective was nowhere to be found. 

"Benny, have you ever considered that he doesn't want to be found?" Ray Vecchio asked one evening after they had chased down another fruitless lead. "Think about it. The guy's a cop, he knows how to disappear. If he doesn't want to be found, he'll know what to do. It's been months Benny, and as much as I wish that Kowalski would show up..." 

Ray hadn't needed to finish his sentence. Fraser knew what he meant. 

He needed to think, and the city wasn't the place to do it. Two weeks later, Fraser handed in his request for a leave of absence. He didn't say when he would be back, and Thatcher hadn't asked. 

That was three months ago. Three months worth of thinking and reflecting and Fraser was still no closer to getting an answer. 

_How could I when I don't even know what's the question?_ Fraser mused. 

Maybe it was time for him to go back to work. 

_Not Chicago. Not yet._

* * *

It was a cool night in Chicago and Ray was out walking again. Walking, Ray had never been one to walk when he could have drove instead, but it seemed to have developed into a habit after he broke up with Fraser. Something for him to do instead of sitting around in the house thinking about Fraser. 

Francesca's voice was clear in his mind. 

_Your problem is that you are so afraid to dream. You are so afraid to reach out for something that you really want. You know what happens to people like you? They get old. They get alone, and they die. And they never know._

Ray let out a bitter laugh as he remembered what his sister said to him a lifetime ago. 

_I wish I never knew._

But that wasn't really true. On some level, he was glad that he knew. Because some of the best moments in his life were with Benny. There were bad times between them, as with any other relationships, but there were also good times. Evenings spent on the couch watching basketball matches in his house, stealing a kiss when no one was watching, or the more quiet evenings at Benny's apartment, lying on the bed, in each other's company, reading. Most of the time they ended up getting distracted by each other and proceeded to more... interesting activities. 

A genuine smile appeared on Ray's face as he remembered. 

Yeah, he was glad he knew. 

"Thanks, Frannie." Ray muttered and headed back the way he came. 

The End  
Love it? Hate it?? Lemme know! 

* * *

End Cascade by Eugenie Chua:

Author and story notes above.


End file.
